Earl Yorke

Nervous breakdown approaching…

I suppose I may have been a bit shaken-up that night. I still do not regret my previous post. Sometimes things just go bad… darkness descends upon the mind of a man who no longer feels any self-worth. The sun in my head has long been eclipsed by this… pessimism… but I have escaped it before by purging my demons on paper. I will do so again soon… not with the screenplay, although I continue to work on it… I need something new on the side.

I had another dream last night. I’ve been dreaming alot lately… and I do intend to share it all.

To Dina and Tina,

Thank you for your support. You have made most of the difference here with me. I’m going to get mushy… I love you guys.

*tears running down cheeks*

What the hell am I doing here? Was I placed on this earth to be a talented, under-appreciated writer, or am I here to be a under-appreciated human being who is going nowhere with his life?

The last few days have been hell for me… no, hell is an understatement, and I have no better-fitting word to place in its spot. It’s been so much worse than I can even drescribe. I feel like I am accomplishing nothing at my main place of work (Dirigo), and at the same time I am going above and beyond what I should be accomplishing at my “temporary” place of work (Oarweed). Incidentally, the Oarweed is only open for another month and a half. FUCK!

…and then there are the family issues. While I am having no problems with Dina and the kids, I am still surrounded by the rest of my family who all live on the same street as I do. Mother, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins… none of whom really seem to like me anymore (with the exception of my Grandparents… I think), and all of whom see me as a hopeless dreamer who will never go anywhere. Who could blame them? I only got fucked hard on a publishing deal that I may as well have made up in my head those four years ago.

Am I being paranoid? Let’s see how many of them actually visit this site and read what I write here. I’ll not hold my breath while waiting for comments from any of them. I am a ghost who is easily ignored and only remembered after death for the bad things I did. There is no forgiveness, and I still have no idea exactly what I did to deserve all of this. There is no unconditional love, and certainly no special attention, even when there is nothing that can prove that I don’t deserve it. I could go into details, but I’m not about to turn this site into my own place to vent my jealousy… I’m already pushing it with this post, but it feels good so I don’t care.

…enough said. Comment if you CARE! I’ll email a link to this post to everyone after exactly one month… that’s a generous amount of time. Let’s see who stumbles upon it before I have a chance to click “send.”

“Wake up, Earl,” Taran said, his voice echoing all over, “it’s okay now.”

I opened my eyes, and found all of my followers standing over me. They gazed upon me as if I was some monster…

“It’s okay,” Taran reassured, “We brought some of your blood down below.”

“Wha– what are you talking about?” I asked, confused by what my step-son was telling me. I watched as each and every person in the dark room exchanged nervous glances, their feelings of safety within those walls now disturbed by something that I did not want to know of.

Taran looked to his mother, my wife, Dina, and then looked back to me. “We brought you back because we need you. They have the technology… below…”

“What are you saying to me?” I asked, deathly afraid of his answer. In a way, I somehow knew what he was about to say.

Taran looked to his mother once again, and my fear worsened. They looked so nervous… as if what they had to say would upset me. I already knew that it would, but the nervous anticipation of what would come out of his mouth made their exchange so much harder to bear.

“We cloned you,” Taran sighed, “with some of your blood that was left over after you… were killed by them.”

Cedric began crying, as if he actually understood what Taran had said…

…and I wake up, fully disturbed by the last part of this dream. What did it all mean? This dream, of all things, reassured me of how creative I am, and I am greatful for that… but that is the only aspect of the dream (aside from the bond that I shared with my step-son) that made me happy. The rest left me feeling… well, I suppose “upset” is the best way to put it even though it is very vague. This dream upset me.

…and we arrived in the city of providence. They couldn’t see us yet; the mutants who grouped in the quarry, chopping wood. This wood was for no fire… not to keep each other warm… it was all that they could remember of what they were taught of a life that had abandoned them decades ago.

…and we arrived, all of us. Myself, Cedric, Dina, Taran, D’Anna, and a group of others… outcasts from a world that had destroyed itself long ago. The mutants had survived the devastations of World War III, and so had we… yet we had a reason to be there, and they did not.

I walked into the city, leading our group with my son in my arms and my wife at my side. We walked through the open gates and marveled at the magnificance of it; walls and turrets surrounding a beautiful urban development of the most confusing grasp of technology and taste. It blended Medieval architecture with modern (even post-modern) technology. The turrets harnessed cannons that could only have shot laser beams… or something like that… I couldn’t understand it, and neither could any of my fellow travelers. It was, in a way that I cannot even describe… evil.

I lead them all into the northern-most part of the city as we all marveled at the beauty of the tall, tall buildings that surrounded us. Everyone else seemed very happy to have found such a place, un-blemished by the war that our government had started, but for Taran and I, this place did not seem safe. We had not yet seen the mutants, but we somehow knew that they were there. [It was a dream… I can’t explain it]

“Let’s rest here for a moment,” I spoke, realizing in this dream world that I was leading these people. They all agreed with me, and found their places on the sidewalks of this… empty city.

I passed my son on to my wife, giving both of them a kiss of false hope that we might have found our place, and made my way toward one of the turrets that stood, part of the great wall, near us. Everyone’s eyes watched me as I walked, not fearing what would ultimately happen, but comforted instead by the fact that I was trying to make sure that we were, indeed, safe.

I made my way toward the turret, and upon reaching it I climbed its winding staircase, still weary of the feeling that was welling in my gut. I looked to my followers, and my eye was caught by my step-son… he shared my fear. I continued upwards.

At the top of the turret I gazed out at the horizon… fuck, everything was battered and destroyed by the war, and yet this place was untouched. What seemed like a million atomic bombs had dropped on our country [atleast that is how I recalled it in this dream], and this place was left untouched!

I turned toward the heart of the city… and there I saw them. There were atleast two dozen of them… people, or so they seemed, chopping wood within a quarry of granite in the center of this metropolis. I panicked, beginning to run back down the steps… and then I heard it–

A scream from one of those people reached my ears. I looked toward them, and I saw him… the one who had seen me, pointing in my direction as if he percieved me as the same kind of demon I saw him as.

…and then they all came running.

And I ran, down the winding staircase, toward the people that I was trying to save from the aftermath of an evil called war. Instead, we came to find another evil there… one not dictated by politics, or so it seemed.

As I reached the bottom and touched the streets of this seemingly once-thriving city, everyone was gone. I was all alone… no, not alone…

The mutant people fell upon me, and all that I saw was the vampiric teeth of their leader, the one who had first spotted me. I was forced to the ground, and everything went black. I was dead.

There is more to this dream, and I will post it tomorrow. For those of you who are interested, please tell me what you think of this so far…

Once again I am finding myself working at The Oarweed Restaurant in Ogunquit, Maine. It is the same place that I was exactly one year ago. Though I was happy to leave that place with the promise of a “real job” and more money as a Loan Officer with Aegis Lending, I now find that there is freedom to be found there. Perhaps it was the unending stress and anxiety that I found at both Aegis Lending and the office I worked at just prior to coming to the Oarweed (I can’t say the name of it on this site or the paranoid owners of the place will sue me… seriously), but a part of me has really relaxed!

I’ve also been working at Dirigo Mortgage as a Loan Officer. I probably wouldn’t have gone to the Oarweed at all if it wasn’t strictly commision-based pay there. I need time to build up my pipeline (loans that I am working on closing) before I can make Dirigo my full-time job. So, for now, the Oarweed is paying the bills. It’s not so bad having to work two jobs and sacrifice some 65 hours of my time each week. I’ve been reunited with so many great friends by going back to that restaurant, and every time I punch in there I feel like I’m going to a party. It’s not work at all…

I suppose that until my schedule calms down a bit I will have to place my various writing projects on hold. The Dominance Flush screenplay is coming along very well, and I’ve been taking alot of notes concerning other ideas that have popped into my head. I’ve been having quite a few disturbing dreams lately, and many of my ideas have spawned from them. I am probably the only person on this planet who enjoys nightmares… thoroughly.

After weighing the consequences of the next idea that I have quite heavily, I am pleased to reveal that I intend to begin discussions of my dreams here in addition to my regular, goal-related entries. This is for anybody who cares to help me analyze them. I know that I can count on a few: Dina, Tina, Nage_Wannabe (no there will be no further Bloodlines excerpts), and perhaps my loving “Grandma.” I am not afraid of having my ideas stolen because I’ll not be sharing them here… only my dreams that the ideas are based on.

…Look for another post during the next few days.

I had a dream last night that I was down at Ogunquit Beach with my family…

I am in one of the ridiculously over-priced sundries shops, when suddenly I notice a giant tidal wave through the window, looming on the horizon like the hand of God. As people start to flee from the approaching tsunami, I find myself frantically dashing up and down the beach in search of my family. I know very well that I am not going to leave that beach without them, and that if my search is fruitless that beach will be my grave.

As in most dreams when I face some variety of impending doom, the ultimate cataclysm approaches slowly, and I do end up finding my son, Cedric shortly before it hits. My wife, Dina, and step-son, Taran are nowhere to be found. Though I love them dearly, with my toddler son crying in my arms, my agenda has changed. I need to get him to higher ground.

I am able to get him up the road, running as fast as I can without changing pace. For an out-of-shape guy like myself, this is a marvel (even in dreams). Anyway, there aren’t any large hills within close proximity to Ogunquit Beach in reality, but in this dream… there are, and this hill is very steep. I find myself running up it, still carring my son, and still not faltering from the sprint that I am in. I make it about half-way up before hearing the deafening sound of the tsunami hitting the shore.

I turn around… all of the shops… all of the hotels… the restaurants… the cars in the parking lot… everything is covered in water. I look down at my feet, and am shocked to find that the water has stopped exactly where Cedric and I had… we made just as far as we needed to. Where I now stand might as well be the beach now.

…I wake up covered in sweat, and scared out of my mind…

This was one of the most disturbing dreams I’ve ever had. I would appreciate any comments that might help me to dissect it…